Who am I?

I’ve asked myself this many times over the years. And my answer has changed, a lot. A whole lot actually. I began life knowing exactly who I was. I was the BABY! Born into this world with my best friend waiting on me and two parents who loved each other and their children. I was also a daddy’s girl. I was a child of God, an A student, the queen of sarcasm, and a dancer. I was the daughter of June Cleaver and a police officer, which is what I accredit my next description: undatable in high school. I was also the chick with the long hair and short temper… maybe THAT’S why I was single? Nah, had to be the cop thing. The point is, it was so easy defining who I was.

After high school it wasn’t so easy. I moved out, staying close in proximity to my parents. I still managed to put the Grand Canyon between us emotionally. I liked not having to answer to them, but my mom had sure better answer the phone when I needed HER! And she did. June has always been a great mom. I just wasn’t always the greatest daughter. I wasn’t the greatest roommate either. I was totally oblivious to what that even meant! I didn’t know how to be a good person so it kinda makes sense I wouldn’t know how to be a good roommate.

I was good at cutting people down to size. My friends would laugh when I went “Julia Sugarbaker” on someone and they got to watch. I was so proud of my sharp wit (and even sharper tongue). My wardrobe consisted of mostly black and my music consisted of rock. So when my new roommates and all their friends turned out to be country fans, I was in total shock. Think of a body rejecting a new organ, that’s how I felt about my new crowd. For some reason they accepted me anyway and were much kinder to me than I deserved. None of us went to church regularly but God was still extending grace to me. Why? Because it’s not about who WE are, it’s just who HE is. And I love that He’s never EVER changing!!!

When I became a young wife at 22 and mom at 24, I found myself becoming less of the foul mouth jerk he married and more of a mouse afraid of her own shadow. I mean, who was THAT? I wrote songs I never sang. I worked outside the house and wanted to be home with my babies. I rarely saw my family even though we lived in the same town. I was ashamed of a failing marriage. I couldn’t make my husband happy, and I wasn’t happy so it stands to reason my kids weren’t happy either. I don’t like that chick and I never want to see her again. She felt sorry for herself and now I feel sorry for anyone who was around her for more than a minute! Man she was sad.

I’ve written in previous blogs about who I was after my sister’s death. I was bitter and angry. But even after I married my sweet country boy (hope you catch that irony), I was still so self-involved. I still went off on people when they rubbed me the wrong way. I was a Christian but I wasn’t acting very Christ-like at all. Maybe on occasion. But not as a rule. And not the way we are all called to do. I didn’t love all people. I loved MY people and even they got the wrath of Julia from time to time. And if the hormones hit just right? Look out! That chick rears her ugly head on occasion, but I do all I can to keep her at bay. She was hateful!

That’s who I WAS. But who am I now? I’m still a child of the most high God! I’m a wife, mom, daughter, friend, and I’m blessed to teach God’s word on Sunday’s and Wednesday’s to precious children. I’m happy, I’m at peace, I’m slow(er) to anger and I just really want to spread the gospel! I’m a stay at home mom now! I’m a writer. I feel a peace wash over me when I sit down to write. Because I’m obeying my father and He’s doing mighty things. He fulfills me and sustains me. My oldest boy got baptized! That’s a huge answer to prayer and a beautiful sign of God’s faithfulness! Who am I? I’m a believer. I’m a receiver. I’m a prayer warrior. And I love EVERYONE. I guess I’m somewhere between Julia and June.

James 5:16