Unanswered prayers.

This old country song came on while we were getting ready the other morning. I was brushing my 8 year old’s hair and admiring his sweet freckles when it suddenly hit me. This kid is a result of one of MY unanswered prayers! Whoa. Garth released this song when I was too young to truly grasp the depth of what it meant. But now that I’m older, I totally get what he was singing about. God DOES know what he’s doing after all!

We can probably all look back on a time when God didn’t answer a prayer or three the way we wanted Him to.  If I take the time to reflect, I can string together a series of events (I thought would break me) that made me the woman I am today. Not to say she’s so great, but she’s way better than I used to be! Who would I be if God were a genie instead of my sovereign father? I don’t even want to think about it. But here goes…

If God had stopped my first husband from leaving, kept him faithful… what would that look like? Best situation, a loveless marriage. And the worst? Who knows?! I doubt I would have finished my degree so I’d be under his thumb not only emotionally but financially. I doubt very seriously we would be attending church as a family. I imagine we would have been traveling all over the country looking for his next “big job.” Fighting about politics, religion, and everything in between. My boys would have gone through more schools than they could handle, probably have little to no friends they could honestly count on. And me? I’d definitely have no friends because I was not great at getting out of my own house. I was just too broken. Before he left us in Vegas I was drinking daily too. I actually reached the point of, “if you can’t beat them, join them,” and that’s what scares me the most! What if I had become an alcoholic too? What would have happened to my children??? No thank you. I mean, THANK YOU LORD!

Now, what if I’d been killed with my sister? This would have changed the course of several lives.  My parents for sure. They would have no children. No legacy. My boys were 7 and 2 and might have had to go live with my ex. They would be without a true advocate. Would they come to know the Lord as they do now? Would they avoid church altogether? And when their birth father died in 2010, would one of them have found him cold to the touch? And where would they have gone then? They would be drifting aimlessly in this world without any compass whatsoever. Even a broken compass (meaning me) was better than no compass. When I think of them without me, I just praise God I lived.

Another unanswered prayer was when I got a phone call to come work for the funeral home who handled my sister’s services. I only took it because I had nothing else, I hadn’t really looked. My unemployment was coming to an end and frankly I needed a reason to shower more frequently. When I got there I thought maybe I’d last a week but I’d definitely be looking elsewhere. It smelled like a funeral home for crying out loud! But the ladies there won my heart. They kept paper bags for me to breathe into if my anxiety got the best of me. They never made me put flowers in “Room E” because that’s where my sis had laid in state. Through them I came to realize that: A. I could laugh and not feel guilty and B. I could be a GOOD mom even if I didn’t act like MY mom. They. Were. Awesome. They were my people. Two of them became my second moms, giving me advice and even convincing me to set up an online dating profile! Another one became my little sister and what a blessing it’s been to watch her marry and have babies of her own. Basically they got me out of my shell and ready to date again. I’d probably still be single if it wasn’t for them!

After my sister was killed several of her friends and I adopted each other. We had one thing in common, her. She didn’t share her friends (or clothes) when she was alive but oh how they blessed me. My laugh reminded them of her, and they were quick to bring it out in me. This was a bittersweet time for all of us. But one friend insisted on setting me up with a boy/man/whatever. This was AFTER the online weirdos and I was so far over it that you could say I was UNDER it! “Can I just please give him your number for your birthday?” Ugh. Lucky for her he ended up being THE ONE, and she got out cheap for a gift. 

After I married this dream guy, we had several houses fall through before we found our forever spot. We rented, prayed, took out contracts, had a couple of babies, prayed some more. We even lived in the church parsonage while expecting our last little blessing. We knew God had a plan but we also knew we were on top of each other and running out of room. His plan couldn’t come fast enough for me! It worked out so well. We closed the day before baby girl’s first birthday! Our furniture fit in our new place, we all had our own rooms, and we had LAND! Factor in our community, church and school, and you’ve got yourself one heck of a cherry on top of this amazing life I never asked for! We have a breathtaking view of the magic God orchestrates every morning. Sunrise through a row of pine trees. We have fresh eggs and fresh air.

So maybe God doesn’t answer every prayer the way we want Him to. He answers them according to His perfect plan. He even grants some prayers we never have the wisdom to pray. Pine trees are my favorite, and He knew that! He knows you too my friend, and He’s working it all out.

Romans 12:12