It is well.

My first outing as a new born was to church on a Sunday morning. We were there anytime the doors were open. When I was little, I loved it. But as I got older, church just got old. Back then we sang hymns. Nothing contemporary, nothing with a good beat and nothing like the cool churches. Not us. 

We sang hymns written by poets and scholars who’ve long since died, without gaining much fame or recognition. Of all the hymns we sang every week, ‘I’ll Fly Away’, ‘Victory in Jesus’ and ‘He Arose’ are some I remember having a particular fondness for. I think maybe it’s because they have big boisterous choruses and I could sing as loud as I wanted! But one song that never really held my attention was, ‘It is Well’. Nope. Boring. Next! 

As life often does, experience changed my mind. And when it comes to this old hymn, my mind has changed more than once. See, this is one of the songs we chose to be sung at my sister’s funeral in 2004. Not sure if my parents sang along, but I sure didn’t. I mean, that was a lie. It was NOT well with MY soul. MY soul, along with every other part of me, was ticked off! 

As a matter of fact, my soul was angrier than it had ever been in my life. Angrier than when some boy threw rocks at me daily in elementary school (until I chased him down and beat him like a GIRL!), angrier than when my dogs got ran over, angrier than when my sister kicked me out of her car about a mile from the house, angrier than when I was pregnant and found a picture of my first husband with a stripper… you get the point. If I could have found the OPPOSITE of that hymn, it would have been my anthem! 

Luckily, I wasn’t forced to sing it that day, and didn’t even hear it much over the years. Until one day, in Bible Study Fellowship. the piano started playing and it knocked the breath out of me. I literally couldn’t breathe. I had to walk outside for air. It STILL wasn’t well with my soul! I was going through the motions, I was “praying about it” and “trying to forgive the guy” and blah blah blah. But when that song began to play, I knew it was still a lie. I had a new husband and a sweet new baby boy, and I was so happy. Was this just the way I was going to have to handle this song now? Outside, crying into my coat sleeve? Would anything ever be well with my soul again? I was happy. I was! So why wasn’t my soul well? 

Turns out I didn’t even know that my heart had a hole in it. I knew it would always be broken, cracked, but it was still fully functional. You may be thinking that hole was the absence of my sister, but it was actually a Jesus shaped hole. I loved my family with all of my heart. Ding ding ding! That’s right. This was a big problem and I didn’t even realize it. I said I put God first, but my actions rarely reflected that. 

I held on to the sadness of my loss like a security blanket. Letting it define me. I wore it almost like a badge of honor,”look what I’ve been through and survived.” “If I can do it, you can do it.” But the truth is, I didn’t do it! My Father who loves me did. He pursued me and never gave up! He was the reason for my happiness. I needed to put HIM first. Fill my broken heart with HIM! Pursue Him through reading the Bible and making my personal quiet time a priority. 

The aforementioned BSF was just what the father ordered too. As I began to dig deeper into the word, my heart began to soften. I laid my brokenness at the cross and struggled with the decision of whether to go see the man who killed my sister (in prison) or not. I never got a clear answer to go, so I opted for not. I never went to see him. I never made a grand gesture. All that time I thought that’s what forgiveness had to be. Jesus was God’s grand gesture, His perfect plan for my redemption. And HE was enough. As I’ve come to realize, anger can sometimes sneak under your door and escape like smoke. Never saying a word. It can just be gone. And in its place is a peace that cannot be seen, only felt. 

When my daughter was born, something within me transformed. God showed me my heart’s desire to have a daughter when I was such a typical boy mom! He blessed us all with this little carbon copy of my sis. He’s letting me experience the mother daughter bond from a new perspective. He’s opened my eyes to being the Christian woman I want her to emulate. He has truly forgiven me for the bitterness I held on to for far too long. 

In the church where I am fortunate to be a member, we sang this hymn last Sunday. I wasn’t silently brooding. I wasn’t crying. I was praising God in song with my church family! Does this mean it is finally well with my soul? It IS well! When I look at my blessings, how can I be bitter? And when I look to my father, how can my soul be anything but well? 

Joel 2:25